On day one of being a mother for the first time, my twin boys were given a 30% chance of surviving, they were born 11 weeks early. Everything in me knew they had to live, I already loved them so much, they were a part of my whole being. I couldn’t live without them.
The little human seedlings that grew within my body for 7 months were permanently sewn into my heart before they took their first gasp of air outside of the safety and security of my womb. After two months in the hospital, they survived and once fully in my care, thrived.
Starting motherhood from that perspective programmed my brain for the mother I became to all four of our children: overprotective, helicopter, snowplowing, and one who kept my children at the nucleus of my existence. I recently realized that may not have been the best approach, yet every decision I made was out of love and naively assuming I was doing the right thing.
Now I am navigating being a mother of adult children, a mother-in-law, and grandmother. I am different now, the world is different, and my role as mother (and in- law) and Nini (enduring term for grandmother) is still the most important part of my life and center of my world. And… and …I’ve also had a revelation that I need to take care of, this is hard for me to say out loud, myself.
Since my children have grown, I am navigating my time to do things that I want to do, things that bring me joy in addition to the joy and happiness my family brings me. Working full time leaves me with limited free time to spend with my family and my own interests. I am struggling to find balance and self-permission to pursue my passions and still be emotionally, physically, and available, however their families need my support. Writing and proof-reading this doesn’t sound like I’m making much progress.
I will always think my children need me more than they really do. After reading multiple books and listening to hours of audio books, I am learning the happier, stronger, and more independent I am, the happier my children may be. I’ve always said I am only as happy as my happiest child. But that’s not fair to my children either. There is a balance, and I am working hard to find it.
I am doing more of what fulfills my unique and big soul beyond the fulfillment of my amazing family. Yet the minute one of my children or anyone in their family is struggling, I hold onto that with every ounce of my being and totally forego whatever passion project I am pursuing. I still believe that is the motherly thing to do. I have a lifetime of layers to peel away the generations of women before me who carried the weight of it all for the family. It’s a fine line between caring for a family and taking time to care of oneself, they are both of equal importance. This will require many more books to release centuries of society’s expectations of motherhood that I keep wearing like a winter coat in July.
